The Exorcism of the Bulge

A taut young man dressed all in black, clutching the good book in his hand, bravely walks up to the hideous looking creature. He places his hand upon the barely recognizable feminine shape and begins to chant with the power of a true believer. “The power of the Lord compels you; the power of the Lord compels you.” His words begin to grow with sanctified ferociousness. “The power of the Lord compels you.” He knows this woman’s soul is at steak. “The power of the Lord compels you.” Exhaustion sweeps over our young hero as he looks deep in her eyes, “. . . to put down that fork.”

She is lead away from the family dining room table, the scene of her greatest transgressions against all things holy. Away from her mother who is burying her face into her husband’s chest, eyes brimming in tears, ashamed of the fiend she brought into this world. Away from her father who does his best to practice stoic indifference as the fruit of his loins is whisked away under the cover of darkness.

She must beg for atonement within the hallowed halls of Gold’s Gym, where the Divine lives. Brother Bluff leads this young sinner to confession to learn the weight of her sacrilegious inactivity. The truth of the scales of virtue causes this once beastly woman to fall to her knees. He raises her chin and gazes into her eyes, “Are you ready to accept, Charles Atkins as your own personal lord and savior?” Through tears, she looks up through the halo surrounding him, “Yes.” She takes his hand as he leads her over to a line of stair masters. Within a few moments, she is baptized with the purity of sweat and receives the blessed Gatorade. When mass is complete, he leads her to the door, presses the good book into her hand, You, on a Diet. He lays his hands on her forehead, “Bless you, my child, in the name of diet, exercise, and resistance training.”